Originally published May 21, 2016 on FrontRowCentral.com
Remember that episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where the alien race spoke completely in metaphors? Replace metaphors with dad-jokes and bird puns, and you have a pretty good idea of just how utterly insufferable The Angry Birds Movie is. The movie’s entire sense of humor is pitched at two very specific target audiences: adults old and shameless enough to write 97 uninterrupted minutes of dad-jokes, and children young enough to laugh at them. If you happen to fall anywhere in between that very wide generation gap, abandon all hope ye who enter here.
The movie opens on our hero Red (Jason Sudeikis), dressed as a clown, racing to make it to a young bird’s birthday party on time. When he arrives, the kid’s parents berate him for being late. Speaking of late, here’s a question for you: When was the last time you or anyone you know played an Angry Birds game? I’m willing to bet it’s been a few years, and therein lies one of the movie’s fatal flaws: It’s a movie solely designed to keep the Angry Birds IP fresh in the minds of kids who have already had their fill of Angry Birds plush toys, Happy Meals, Star Wars Jengas, and Angry Birds-themed birthday paraphernalia, oddly enough. It’s a brand extension, plain and simple.
The movie follows the plight of Red, ostracized by the flightless residents of Bird Island for having a series of mild temper tantrums. He’s placed in an anger management group with Bomb (Danny McBride) and Chuck (Josh Gad), who aren’t so much angry as they are colossal pains in the ass. When a mysterious green pig named Leonard (Bill Hader) lands his ship on their island, the birds welcome him and his kind with open arms. Red, on the other hand, is instantly suspicious of their new visitors and his repeated warnings fall on deaf ears until more pigs arrive in droves, steal all the birds’ eggs and then retreat back to Pig Island for a big fat omelette party. Then the birds get angry, and if you don’t know where it goes from here, ask your kids.
Let’s review: A race of outsiders make landfall on Bird Island. Red immediately distrusts them and decides to start snooping around their private property. He discovers their insidious plan, but gets thrown under the bus for his trouble. Then, only after disaster strikes do the birds heed Red’s advice and invade the pigs’ homeland. Now, I’m not saying screenwriter Jon Vitti meant to write a broadly xenophobic film where three loners’ innate distrust of foreigners is rewarded with respect and adulation, but that’s exactly what he did.
Angry Birds doesn’t dwell too heavily on this, though, as it’s far too busy making jokes about characters drinking pee (see top of page) or random references to The Shining that serve no real purpose. This is less a feature film with a coherent plot and agenda and more a loose collection of cartoon gags hammered together into the rough shape of a children’s movie. The fact that it’s vaguely racist is an unfortunate, (hopefully) accidental byproduct.
At the risk of using a bird pun, the movie’s soundtrack is an odd duck, indeed. Angry Birds has no problem using an on-the-nose track like Black Sabbath’s “Paranoid” over the opening credits, nor will it shy away from The Scorpions’ “Rock You Like a Hurricane” as the final battle against the pigs begins. The Who’s “Behind Blue Eyes” is somehow a bridge too far, though, as the movie opts to use Limp Bizkit’s loathsome cover instead. But the hits don’t stop there, as we’re treated to no fewer than four dance numbers, set to the tunes of Tone Loc, Rick Astley, Blake Shelton, and Demi Lovato. As it turns out, Sony’s licensing pockets run deep.
Speaking of deep pockets, Angry Birds has a remarkably stacked cast, featuring Maya Rudolph, Peter Dinklage, Sean Penn, Keegan-Michael Key, Kate McKinnon, Tony Hale, Hannibal Buress, Jillian Bell, Ike Barinholtz, and Tituss Burgess all in minor, thankless roles. Other than the four names mentioned earlier in this review, though, I honestly could not tell you which characters all these people were playing. I’m looking at the film’s IMDb page right now and I still can’t tell you. They all have generic first names that never get mentioned in the movie, so your guess is as good as mine. I do know that Sean Penn’s character, Terence, is a hulking brute of a bird who only speaks in grunts and groans. Sean Penn literally got paid to have an upset stomach in front of a microphone for this film.
If it sounds like I’m neglecting the film itself, that’s because there’s not exactly much of a film to pick apart here. There are some bizarre flourishes here and there, such as a scene of time-lapse photography where Bomb cries on top of a mountain, or a scene stolen right out of X-Men: Days of Future Past where speed-demon Chuck runs around pranking people in slow motion. For a few moments, The Angry Birds Movie takes full advantage of its cartoon medium and comes to weird, energetic life. Those moments are fleeting. For the most part, this is a humorless slog of a cartoon all but begging for you to fork over more of your hard-earned money. If your kids absolutely have to see this film, tell them to wait until they can watch it on their iPhones. That’s where it belongs, anyway.
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