Originally published February 13, 2016 on FrontRowCentral.com
Zoolander 2 is aggressively stupid in the worst way imaginable.
For the purposes of the review, I have to put that right up on front street. Even having to say so is kind of a losing argument, because the natural response to saying “Zoolander 2 is dumb and bad,” is a hundred people all saying in unison, “We could have told you that.” But you didn’t, because I’m doing the meta thing and saying it for you. And now it’s my job to explain to you why Zoolander 2 is not worth your time, because that’s how this relationship works.
Following the death of his wife and the loss of his son to Social Services, Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller) has gone into hiding as a hermit crab. Called back into action by none other than ageless wonder Billy Zane, Zoolander finds himself invited to perform in a show put on by fashion mogul Alexanya Atoz (Kristen Wiig). Reunited with model buddy Hansel (Owen Wilson), himself plucked away from a decade-long orgy, Zoolander discovers a world in which he is staggeringly behind the times and unable to relate.
None of that matters, though, because soon enough, Zoolander and Hansel are recruited by Agent Valentina (Penelope Cruz) to solve a string of celebrity murders that eventually points to Zoolander’s arch-enemy Mugatu (Will Ferrell), who has designs on using Zoolander’s son (Cyrus Arnold) in a ritual sacrifice to help him achieve immortality.
Somewhere in between those last two paragraphs is where famed film critic Leonard Maltin walked out, deciding that life was too short to sit through idiotic crap like Zoolander 2. I honestly can’t say I blame him. Intentionally watching garbage is a game for young masochists like myself, and if Maltin felt like he’d had enough, he is well within his rights to get up and go home. However, the reason I’m even bringing this up is because the moment Maltin walked out (roughly an hour into the film) also happens to be the moment the Zoolander 2 crazy train flies right off the rails and crashes into a sea of unadulterated madness.
The first half of Zoolander 2 spends scene after scene establishing the fact that Zoolander is a has-been and that his days as a man of the moment are over. Here, we meet Don Atari (Kyle Mooney), some kind of Millennial fashion guru whose slack-jawed ironic disdain for everything makes him the most punchable face in the movie. (A frontrunner at the 2016 Punchable Face Awards.) Atari takes a line Zoolander says in the scene immediately before the two meet, screen prints it onto a t-shirt and touts it as amazing retro chic. That’s probably a pretty good dig at ephemeral youth fashion if that’s the world you live in, but his whole character just comes off as card-carrying old person Ben Stiller (and co-writers Justin Theroux, Nick Stoller and John Hamburg) ranting about how awful young people are.
Don Atari ultimately gets what’s coming to him, but there’s no victory in it for our heroes. Instead, he’s just another piece of collateral damage inflicted once the movie finally unleashes Will Ferrell. Ferrell tears through the back half of this movie like he knows it’s all terrible and he’s clawing to find a way out. Right when Mugatu is about to enact his final revenge against Zoolander in front of the fashion world’s most powerful people, he pauses for a moment to laugh at everyone and scream about what a bunch of dumb idiots they all are. I couldn’t help but imagine Will Ferrell was making fun of me for actually paying to see his movie.
Speaking of fashion icons, Zoolander 2 can’t go two minutes without pulling a celebrity cameo out its ass. Some, like Kiefer Sutherland, are bizarre running gags that pop up throughout. Others, like Willie Nelson and Katy Perry, are one-and-done appearances that do nothing but spackle over the fact that this ridiculous movie forgot to actually write any jokes. Looking at cast list on IMDb page, there are a number of cameos that I didn’t even spot. I must have literally blinked and missed the fact that Macaulay Culkin is apparently in this movie.
Derek Zoolander’s entire existence is founded on Ben Stiller being an idiot at fashion shows, so calling him and his movie stupid doesn’t really mean anything. Waiting fifteen years to catch up with him turned out to be an egregious mistake, though, because all the blank stares and malapropisms in the world can’t save a tired movie simply going through the motions. I didn’t walk out of Zoolander 2 like Leonard Maltin did, but I don’t want to waste any more of my time thinking about this stupid movie, either.
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